Not sure my title here will support all my thoughts for this posting but here it goes. I woke up after another night of fitful sleep due to drinking and determined I needed to stop drinking and start diving into many of the current problems in my life that were making me drink.
Reasons for current drinking?
- FOMO – FOMO can go to hell. I know where the train is headed and just because the people I am stewing about are behind me does not mean I know know where they are headed.
- Dissolve versus resolve. I just want to slip away and not really resolve some of the very hurtful things that are being done to my family and my child right now. So instead of addressing it, I spin up stories, drink to escape because I can not control it.
- Need to be found or perhaps rediscovered. I love to make people happy and don’t put myself first. So, I am tossing and turning about how I need to be better, different but basically just WAKE UP and stop numbing/blacking out over every little thing I can’t fix. I want to rediscover myself and not be lost in some puddle on the floor.
My shame and loathing over drinking is just so disgusting and I am done. So, tired of hiding, dissolving and erasing with alcohol.
And then I woke up figuratively, and literally! Ready to make better choices, decisions and starting seeking help and not hiding.
I am good enough, I am worth it. So when I wake up tomorrow it will be with clarity, inquiry, and motivation to do better for myself and my family.