We all go through life and encounter people who are just not very nice. It is enviable I guess, although I often wonder why people need to be so mean. As an adult we learn to understand why people may come across as unfriendly, rude, stand-offish and the ultimate in your face down right mean. We know these people maybe very insecure, have terrible home lives, are full of shame or just need to make others feel bad to make themselves feel better.
With all those things in mind I am still perplexed and bewildered why adults, who should know better, act like spoiled crazy ass brats! I guess we live in an age where people don’t need to know one another or make new friends. Everyone judges everyone before they even know anything about them, either by making their own judgements because someone may not look the same as they do, or live the same way they do. Then, there are those who judge based on what they have heard from others and just want to be part of a click. Watch out the click is very fast to turn on you if you make a mis-step.
I have really been pondering all the reasons why people are unfriendly and down right rude or mean. I have seen and experienced this lately with my kids and our family. I try to be the person who does not judge, or make fast impressions and give people time to warm up. I am not in race or need to impress others and seek out friendships that are real and honest. I don’t need to be friends with everyone nor is that my goal as I know it is for some. Give me a few good friends and all is good!
So how do we maintain good examples for our children when they encounter mean people? How do we stay strong and maintain a good face when adults are mean to us, whether they are judging us or hearing things from others about us. When people turn their backs, don’t talk to you or wave how do we not get sucked into their swirl? Especially when you secretly drink too much and are riddled with anxiety, shame and self loathing. This combination of hatred from the inside and outside can be enough to send anyone into swirl that may not be possible to get out of.
I am adult women who has amazing career, traveled the world, been a friend to many, a good mom and wife. I pride myself on helping others and being there for them when they need help or someone to listen. So how it is that more and more I find people who are not friendly, “don’t need any new friends” and basically don’t care if you exist and make that very obvious. They don’t like you because of jealous about you, kids, kids abilities at sports, or the perception of more money. This list goes on and on.
If I told you that it did not bother me I would be lying. I find it hurtful, mean and so “high school” to be honest. I will not apologize for not being just like them, or look like them. We all choose different paths in life. No judgement here I proclaim, but damn people there is no need to make someone feel like dirt or less than because they don’t conform to your made up model!
When these types of behaviors happen to my children I try so hard to remain strong and help them through “be the bigger person”, “rise above it”, “understand that it really is not about you.” But damn, I just want to squash those other kids and parents for their mean, hateful and irresponsible behavior. I am dying on the inside while trying to hold it together for my children who don’t understand what they did wrong or how to maneuver through the mob mentality that is trying to take them down or lock them out.
So how does this relate to the topic of drinking?
Well, think about what happens when you mix the external negative forces with the internal negative forces. It becomes an incredible force that literally traps you in a shame spiral and a state of panic, anxiety, and self hatred. You doubt everything about yourself, you begin to believe you can’t do anything right, you’re so afraid of more daggers being throw in your direction OR that they will catch on to the fact you’re drinking way too much and turn up the hatred and badmouthing.
Literally, for the past 10 years or more, this has been my life and the absolute pain and isolation that comes with not only the addiction and paranoia. Our addictive brains make these outside forces of the mean and hateful things, so much bigger and all consuming as we can differentiation the reality from our distorted view of what people are doing to each other to earn some perceived space in society. Bringing everyone else down to raise themselves up.
Now that I am not numbing and hiding any longer, I am facing these bad circumstances and working very hard to be present and provide clear guidance for my children. It still hurts and my heart gets broken more often than not, but I will take every dagger they throw at me just to ensure I raise a child who can stand own his own two feet and earn his spot in life. I truly hope our society can grow and move forward to care about each other vs. running over people to get their perceived place in life. It is like my mother always told me, “you never know what goes on behind closed doors.”
Although I continue to keep my door open even though it exposes me to the draggers of others I am showing my children the right way to treat people.
Such a dark place for children to grow up in these days but at least my children have a sober mom.