It Is Just One Simple Choice

Honestly, it all seems so simple you just don’t stop at the store, you just don’t worry about where you are going to be able to drink or get more.  It really is not that hard. It can be as easy as knowing the fact I would not drink bleach or rat poison. So why am I making such a big deal about buying and drinking alcohol when I know it is one simple choice to say no?  

It really is a simple choice to say no, not today.  Really, it is that simple but yet so hard.  I know it is addictive and that is part of the reason it is so hard to say no.  But if we look at like any other bad choices, like not dating a guy we know is bad for us, or choosing friends that make good choices, it should be so simple. 

We look at the weather before we walk out the door to know which coat to where shoes to wear, and we know not to walk alone in the dark in a strange neighborhood. So why is it so hard to just not buy or drink alcohol?

Addiction is a nasty, dark beast that makes us all do the worst things and make bad choices.  We know this as we suffer through the hang overs, off-the-chart anxiety and overwhelming, crippling shame.

So, how do we stop, stopping at the store or buying alcohol? We make plans, try new routes home, stop going to events or keeping patterns of activity that trigger drinking or the thought of drinking.  We play the tape all the way through and visualize the bad, ugly and chaos that ensues once we start and can’t stop.

It works if we just make one simple choice to stop. Change it up and more importantly find support.  I can’t say I have all the answers but I know by putting these words down I making the choice to move in the right direction and can help support you too.

Famous Last Words

How many times have I said the words, “I am not going to drink tonight!” OR “I am not going to stop at the store on the way home tonight.” Then my all time favorite, “I am not drunk!” Of course I was drunk 90% of the time when I would say that in response to my husband and if I was not drunk I was well on my way to getting there.  

So many famous last words for those of us who drank.  Yes, I said drank because for me I wanted my famous last words to be, “I can’t wait to get home to my family.” OR “Hey do you want to watch tv with me or do you want me to read a book to you.”  I wanted to surprise everyone in my family when they were going to the movies or store and I would want to come with them.  These things did not really happen for many years before as chose to isolate myself to hide my secret.  

My famous last words and my drinking became infamous in many ways.  I did not have to worry about famous last words, because I was to the point where I did not even really want to have lengthly conversations or be around many people to say any famous last words.  Not to mention perhaps slurrying my famous last words for that particular evening.

Life is made up of moments, messages and finally words many, many words, that can either hurt or heal people.  My new famous last words are the ones that heal me and help others.  Honestly, I don’t know what all my new famous last words will be each day or each night but they won’t be, “I am not Drunk! 

I will drive past the store, I will stay sober and maybe, just maybe I just told you my most famous last words.

In A Nut Shell

No Cool-aid Here

Allow me to introduce myself. I am a friend to many, daughter, mother, professional, wife. I used to be person with very questionable drinking behaviors. In other words a lush, a person who could not stop drinking, manic and most often bat shit crazy. My life became crushingly small and I began to fade away into a very dim place.

I would crush it at work, fail miserably at home and try everyday to figure out how to make it better. But I continued to drink the cool-aid, just like when I was a kid. Sugary goodness that we all knew was rotting our teeth and making us crazy hyper but we drank it anyway.

Cool-aid was a treat as a kid, then for me wine became the cool-aid of my adult life, it was still sugary and sweet but it was taking more from me than my teeth! 

For me “cool-aid” is not just about the wine. It is about all the norms we hold ourselves to even when we know better. How to dress, act, who to be friends with, how to be a mom or the good wife. You name it! I was drinking the Cool-aid about all of it but not anymore.

I stopped drinking and starting thinking about how I needed to find my spark again and stop drinking the god damn Cool-aid!

Come along for the ride on my the journey of sobriety, finding myself (again?) and living life with all the ups, downs and in between.