Then fast forward to a few years ago my husband and I were having a lot of parties at our house, kids swimming and adults have fun but then my husband would talk about something someone said, or a conversation from the night before, and I would have to fake the fact that I remembered it. When in fact, did not recall the conversation or the remark. I did not remember what was said or when people left. I would not remember putting my kids to bed or conversations we had had together from the night before. It started to scare me and made me really question if I was losing my memory, Alzheimer’s potentially, but I did not really know that what I was experiencing were black outs.
I never really connected the amount of alcohol I was drinking to the fact I could not remember things. I would wake up and have to lay there trying to piece together the night before and this was happening a lot! It was beginning to frighten me and make me begin to think that I might need to stop drinking. Finally, I connected the dots or maybe just got real with myself for once, about the fact my drinking was getting worse.
I did not want to live this way, not remembering things, not being there for my kids, not being present with my friends and family. I did stop drinking for two months and I noticed how much I remembered and how present I was with my family. But of course then I thought I was cured and could drink again and very quickly I was back in the black again.
I drank for a while again, then quitting again for 4.5 months and life was great. I was getting strong, healthy, rational and empowered but made a decision to have a drink at a party and threw it all away. And by the way, that very night I drank to excess and did not remember most of the evening. There I was again, back in the black. Black outs that is!
As I tried to quit and shrink the number of nights I don’t remember the end or going to bed were still growing so I knew I needed to get real, get strong, and bring back the light.
I am embarrassed of myself as I write this but once the words on the page you can’t take them back. I am embarrassed I keep going back to the thing that makes me numb, less present and ashamed. When the clarity about what I have to do is so strong I know what I have to do to take back the light and live in the black anymore.
Living in the light is so much better!