…always wondering if it is me. Am I the cause, the catalyst or creator of the silence and sadness that creeps in and settles in like a thick dense fog all around me. It is still a mystery to me whether or not this is all my fault or if I am the creator of all of the discontent. It is the question I ask so often, I am not even sure, I ever sit with it long enough to answer it, before it comes right back again.
Now I am sitting, just sitting with all the silent, sadness that has evolved into my daily life. I always wonder if I have built walls that don’t allow others in? Is that why I am sad and lonely? I often analyze what I could do differently in the relationship that is causing me to feel this way. But when I do play it all the way through, I often come to an understanding that I am sad and lonely because I don’t feel safe or heard. I am not unsafe in a physical sense, it is more about not being able to share how I really feel or what is hard for me. The reactions I get are often dismissive, or patronizing.
When you are with a person who does not know how to be emotionally there for you or for themselves, it is like living every day with tape over your mouth. You want to scream or cry, or literally just have a conversation about feelings but you can’t. I am sitting with all of this so I can really understand if I am the cause of this disconnect and silence, because I can’t open up or is it that we are both too emotional stunted to dive into the realm of emotions. So, I am silent, I say nothing until I do, which typically comes out as rage. I have so much pent up inside, that over time it just has to come out. We can call it a learned or maladaptive behavior, being childish, call it whatever you like but all it has to come out. When it does it is in a very confrontational manner that is laced in defensiveness, because by the time I say it out loud it is so pressurized there is not other way to express it. I do try to talk about things before this point of explosion but the dysfunctional behaviors is so engrained at this point it always leads to the same outcome, screaming.
There is so much behind that last paragraph and this continued disfunction, that I am not ready to share or think is fair to share here, but the truth is there is a pattern of silence, outburst and then silence again. I know not all of this is because of me, that is the old thinking I had for so long when I was much more immature and all throughout my addiction to alcohol. Everything was my fault, always. But through maturity, sobriety and growth I know that is not true, it is not all my fault and I am not responsible for fixing everything and everyone. I do know I need to do the work to move forward from this place and space of sadness.
Knowing when things have ran their course or when a relationship is over is not a quick, gut reaction decision for me, I believe it takes understanding, time and contemplation, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
Although I say these things, I don’t know how to get there, wherever there is. I know I am sad, very sad a lot of time, but it tends to stem from the inability to feel safe enough to talk about how I feel or what I am going through. The sadness also stems from the fact I am lonely and really need to find connection with someone who I can share love with and others who understand my concerns and can show compassion.
I think a lot about whether a change will make it better or will I just end up more alone and sad. I believe there is work that has to be done here to help enable a path forward, whether that is on my own or together with my partner, but if the path is to stay together, so much change and growth will be required, because I know what is in place today is not healthy for us or me.
So here I sit, with my silence and sadness, hoping the answers will reveal themselves to me, because I know the way things are going, can not be the way it is supposed to be…forever.
~K from the Hill Country