“One day you will wake up and know yourself more than you ever have. You will see all the magic that everyone else has been seeing in you all along.”~K from the Hill Country
I have not written in so long, even though I think about sharing and writing about my journey into sobriety quite often. As it is for many of you, life gets busy and sometimes, if you are like me, your words don’t flow as easy even though they are there, bursting at the seams.
I am 6 months sober as of yesterday! Yay me! Only I can’t find the joy or excitement for this HUGE milestone. Even more exciting is that I have pushed myself to make new connections IRL! Finding women in sobriety that I can learn from and seek help. I have not asked for help or made the effort I should to foster these friendships yet. This is very common problem of mine, not making the effort, and if I dare say anxious about making friends, and sharing about myself in general is a major problem for me.
Why am I so afraid? I don’t know and it is making me extremely sad and pissed off! I am sure it is rooted in shame, anxiety and fears of not being good enough.
So where do I go from here and all these realizations I have in sobriety? I need to get VERY uncomfortable and put myself out there. I need to tell someone how I am feeling. I need to share my fears and I need to find professional help for my anxiety and lack of confidence.
These all sound like simple things every adult should know and understand right? And intellectually I do understand I need to break through these concerns in order to progress and stay sober. Doing them is another story. So what is the plan you ask?
The plan is simple, share in the meetings I attend. Just say it out loud. Reach out – put the words out there in my virtual and real life connection points. Be vulnerable, even when I can’t get the words out just say anything to begin taking the fear out of sharing. Keep connections, put it in my calendar to reach out to one person everyday to share one hard thing I am dealing with or have dealt with. Share the wins, it is ok to be proud of myself and celebrate my victories, big or small.
Such a simple plan, nothing fancy, the power is in executing the plan. Doing the hard things like saying my fears out loud or sharing something about myself that may not be perfect or messy, sends me into a swirl of panic, that need to break through. Admit I need help and I can’t do this by myself.
6 months of continuous sobriety is an amazing accomplishment and I very proud of myself. I am stronger, clearer and more compassionate. I can tell you feeling everything is not always fun and it can hurt like hell but I am not running away or numbing everything out. I am sober and working to find the light inside of me that is just bursting to get out.
It has been too long, yet just long enough for me to begin to emerge from the dark life I was living and begin sharing the real me with everyone.
~K from the Hill Country